This article was published in April 2021 edition of the Namaste magazine. Namaste is an annual publication of the Nepal New Zealand Friendship Society of Canterbury.
Introduction
To belong somewhere is to feel content, comfortable and connected to that place. That may sound simple but developing a sense of belonging could be tricky and complex, especially for the first generation migrants i.e. someone who is the first in their family to permanently migrate to a new place.
In this article, as a first generation Nepali migrant who moved to New Zealand, I will discuss the intricacies of finding a sense of belonging in a new country. Readers who are first generation migrants themselves may find similarities between their own experience and those I have discussed here. Probably even a sense of Déjà vu between the lines. However, despite being a first generation migrant, your trajectories of life events may have been completely different in your adopted home. Although individual circumstances and personal experience might be different, it is fair to assume that there are many similarities when it comes to the emotional rollercoaster experienced by the first generation migrants.
Initial Days
I came to New Zealand in 2005. For a few years since leaving Nepal, it felt as if I was physically in New Zealand but mentally and emotionally still in Nepal. I was worsening my home-sickness by constantly comparing and contrasting everything. In addition, I used to complain about many things. Virtually everything - weather, government, leaders, migrants, natives, traffic, parking, job, cost of living, people on benefit, dogs, cats, bad haircut, and so on. I used to behave as if my life in Nepal was great and that in New Zealand was a pain.
Obsessed to remain updated, I frequently scrambled for any News from Nepal. Every morning would start with browsing news websites or flicking through social media posts for recent developments in Nepal. The favourite topic was political news and current affairs. I frequently engaged in intense debates about current affairs from Nepal with my friends whenever we had an opportunity. Such debates used to be dominated with complaining about politics and cursing the politicians.
While I was an avid follower of current affairs in Nepal, I had only limited knowledge or interest about what was happening in New Zealand. That was true in case of political affairs too. Although I voted in New Zealand elections, I did not try to learn about the governance structure or the political parties. I had no idea what issues or agendas they represented. I used to think that there was nothing for me in New Zealand politics.
I used to regularly follow events and incidents involving Nepali community in New Zealand. I took part in raising funds and helping with charitable causes to support our people in Nepal and New Zealand. To be part of such causes was hugely satisfying. However, I supported only a handful of Non-Nepali causes personally or as part of the Nepali community.
Reflection and Realisation
As the years went by, my behaviour and actions started to feel awkward to myself. While none of them were a blunder or deliberate mistake, the antics from the initial days began to feel odd. What I was doing may have been harmless in isolation but they were gradually becoming a problem. I seem to have developed a pattern of bad habits that not only influenced my thinking but also shaped my actions.
I may not have achieved way too much over the years but I am humbled by many things I have received from New Zealand. Recently, I am increasingly realising that over the years I have been very self-centred. Yes, I worked hard and invested a lot of time and effort. But the reality is that whatever I received in return would not have been possible without the system and institutions of New Zealand. They were possible only because of an enabling administration and a generous government. These days, I often wonder, “what have I given back in return to all that New Zealand gave me?” The answer, sadly, is, “not much”. Yes, I work and I pay tax. But I work to make a living and every earner pays their tax. There must be something more I can do or should do. There has to be something.
Helping with causes to do with Nepal and Nepalis is my duty. It is my obligation as a Nepali. I will continue to do so whenever I can. However, I have started to find this act of doing exclusively for “your own people” a bit isolating and repetitive. I am increasingly finding it selfish, especially because I hardly do anything to help members of the wider society of New Zealand.
It does not make much sense to get sentimental about anything that happens in Nepal but to ignore many things in New Zealand. I am not suggesting to stop all engagements or to cease all interests in Nepal. The problem is in this habit of getting obsessed with anything and everything to do with Nepal but showing very little interest in what is happening right in the backyard here in New Zealand.
I acknowledge that for a long time I took for granted what New Zealand offered. I did not appreciate the sense of safety, stability and civility. I did not notice how egalitarian the society is. I was not thankful enough for the services that I received from the government-funded healthcare and education systems. I did not realise the generosity and tolerance of the society towards migrants. I was not grateful enough towards the government for keeping my family safe from the Covid pandemic.
I had this conversation with a friend a while ago, “looking at their behaviour of those Nepali who permanently left the country, it seems their impression of Nepal and Nepali is frozen in their mind in the year they left the country”. Little did I realise this applied to me too. So my impression of Nepal is frozen in the year 2005. Since then for many years, in my mind, I had been nostalgically revisiting Nepal of the year 2005. I had been constantly longing for my life from back then. While romanticising with the sentiments from the golden years from back home, I overlooked what I had right in front of me in New Zealand. Sadly, for a long time I chose to remain oblivious of my responsibilities towards my adopted home.
Questions
After passing the stages of contradictions and reflection came the waves of questions. I started to question what I was doing and the choices I was making. Those questions hit me like a ton of bricks. They troubled me big time, day and night. They still haunt me. When they do, the questions come in waves like a tsunami. Like a broken record, a voice in my head keeps repeating those questions on and on. With every passing day, the sound in my head got louder and louder.
Here are few of the questions in no particular order or importance:
- How happy, comfortable and connected do I feel here in New Zealand, or am I still longing for being “back home”?
- If this country has given me so much, what is my responsibility towards New Zealand?
- Am I going to be thankful for what New Zealand has to offer, or am I going to continue to be critical and keep complaining?
- Is it justified to continue to be choosy and help only those causes that directly and only benefit “our people”?
- Am I contributing to forward the matters that are of common interests to the wider Nepali community, or am I only engaging in self-serving activities?
- Is it sensible to continue to be obsessive about what happens in Nepal but remain disinterested in affairs of New Zealand?
- At what point am I going to stop comparing and contrasting between “here” and “over there”?
- Am I going to do anything about my complaints (about both Nepal and New Zealand)?
- Why is my mind preoccupied with incidents that occur in Nepal despite my limited ability and disinterest to take any action to do anything about them?
Hindsight and Foresight
Once I started to question my actions, it helped me understand where I was coming from. They not only helped me to pause and think but the questions also helped me visualise the consequences of my actions. It did not take too long to realise how parochial my thoughts were, how narrow my boundaries were, and how myopic my vision was.
What about answers to the questions? Well, I am still looking. They are tough questions indeed. I have been digging deep and doing some serious soul-searching. Finding answers has been an on-going work in progress. To this day, many questions still remain unanswered. Of the answers I have managed to find, many are either incomplete or unsatisfactory. To make the matter worse, things keep changing and new questions keep popping up. Although they seem random and vague, the questions have been an excellent reference point to reflect on the past as well as to visualise the future.
Uncomfortable the questions might be, they are a part and parcel of what goes inside the mind of a first generation migrant. Frustrating they might be, such questions are bound to come up sooner or later. Difficult they might be, we must ask such questions. Inconvenient they might be, we must have the courage to question our motives and actions. For we will get answers, only if we dared to ask.
After going through many cycles of emotional rollercoaster, I am now certain that questions like these point towards one attribute - sense of belonging. The root cause of contradiction, confusion and frustration seems to have originated from a lack of sense of belonging.
In retrospect, when I arrived in New Zealand, I seem to have left my sense of belonging “back home”. To make it worse, I was desperately searching for it in a place where I was no longer living for many years. No wonder I could not find what I was looking for where I was searching for it. Obviously, I was looking in the wrong place.
The ongoing self-reflection and the Q&A sessions with myself have been a long journey to find a sense of belonging. Nepal is my country of birth. I have strong feelings towards my country. I will forever cherish the memories of growing up in Nepal. I am emotionally connected with my motherland. Nepali heritage is an integral part of my identity. I will remain proud of my Nepali identity and heritage. It is part of who I am. Even if I wanted, I can not change my Nepali heritage and identity. That is a reality.
The new reality, however, is that the attributes of being a Nepali is part of my history. Life in New Zealand is my present and it is my future too. Yes, I will continue to have affinity and connection with Nepal but the fact is that at the present, I am living my life in New Zealand. I made a conscious decision to move to New Zealand and to live here permanently. I have no choice but to build and advance my life right here.
It takes time and effort to get used to a new place and environment. The quest to search for a sense of belonging in my adopted home has been hell of a journey. On this journey, I have learned and discovered many things. It has been an eye opener in many ways. It seems like there is more to realise and to understand. To belong, in my view, is a gradual process. We slowly get there, one step closer at a time.
If you are someone who keeps asking similar questions like I do, I wish you all the best in your journey to find a sense of belonging in your adopted home.
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